I Fucking Hate Coffee

As if this muthafucka needed an introduction. But in case you be one dense ass bitch, I'll spell it out for ya - Any and all rants about any and all things can be directed to this here forum. Rant on mah brothas!

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Metal Lord
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I Fucking Hate Coffee

Post by Metal Lord » Mon Jul 22, 2013 2:09 pm

I just don't get what peoples love of coffee is all about. Forget the addiction factor of caffeine or why they started down this path in the first pIace. I can't stand how it is the first thing they do when they get up in the morning and have to have it otherwise they are cranky little bitches. They'll stumble into the kitchen, eyes barely open, and fumble around to grind some beans and pour some water and replace a filter. If this goes down in the same house as me I'm naturally pissed off as the sound of the grinder can wake me up long before the "aroma" of it has a chance to ruin my morning.

I can't stand the smell of coffee. I have never liked it. The smell literally makes me sick to my stomach. So imagine how thrilled I am every god damn day to go into work only to smell the halls with a pungent stench of that vile crap. I'm going to go postal one day as my coworker has to drink this dark piss every morning. Luckily (for her and everyone else, me included) I have an entirely separate laboratory to retreat into while she consumes that morning cup of joe. I'm constantly ticked off that I have to stop what I'm doing and put my work on hold so she can casually drink it and look at e-mail or whatever. And my retreat is lame because the chair is not as comfortable as the one at my desk outside and the computer has different functionality so it just fucks everything up.

So while the smell has always annoyed me what is really grinding my gears lately is how people drink this burnt water. Oh yeah you know where I'm going with this...they slurp it. WTF? If it is too hot wait for it to cool down before you proceed to stain your teeth and give yourself a morning laxative. Slurp and gulp, slurp and gulp. I seriously want to choke a bitch when I hear coffee being slurped. The only acceptable slurping can come from and empty milk shake or soda being drank with a straw. Those finger nails on a chalk board slurps are quite often followed by a "calming" hmmm or an occasional clearing of ones throat. And the faces they make when attempting to drink something that near boiling. Ugh. Squinting their eyes, the look of pain on their face as they approach the mug knowing it is going to hurt yet they still slurp away.

I get irate on days when it is 2 in the afternoon and I walk into the kitchen at work for some water only to take in that disgusting smell of "fresh" coffee brewing in the corner. Fresh? It smells like and exhaust pipe from a gas guzzler from the 60s or 70s being diffused through a trash heap. Why is this foul fluid needed all through out the day? Are people so unable to cope with life and their work that after a morning pick-me-up they need to keep feeding that monkey? And no one knows how to keep it in a cup. There are always stains on the counter top, flooring, desks, papers, you name it. One of these days I just know I'm going to be walking back to the lab and take a header because of this shit.

A little advise to all who drink this grosser than gross crap. Don't. Quit being told how to start your day and live your life. Oh and for those hipster douche bags that think they're cool sitting at a cafe patio reading a newspaper or looking at a tablet, yeah you're a douche bag. Fuck off.

Asshander
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Re: I Fucking Hate Coffee

Post by Asshander » Mon Jul 22, 2013 5:40 pm

Wow. Someone really hates coffee.

It's good to know (I guess?) other people literally have their stomachs upset by the smell of it. Heinous shit.

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Gomer
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Re: I Fucking Hate Coffee

Post by Gomer » Tue Jul 23, 2013 11:25 am

Agree with every point you've made here. Especially the smell - I can't stand the way a place like Starbucks smells when I walk in. We have a coffee machine in my office that people use, but it's completely foreign to me. If someone asked me to brew up a pot of coffee I honestly would not have the first fucking clue what to do - and that's fine with me. I think it's one of those "acquired tastes" where you have to give it a chance before you get hooked on it (kinda like cigarettes). If that's the case, I am quite content to never acquire it, seeing as it only appears to have a negative impact on your health, as well as the added "bonus" of making you completely dependent on it every morning. Yeah, no thanks.

That said, if people wanna drink it I don't really have a problem with that as long as they keep it to themselves and don't hassle me about not drinking it. :roll:

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Devil's Child
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Re: I Fucking Hate Coffee

Post by Devil's Child » Mon Aug 05, 2013 11:47 am

Are Kahlua & Baileys just as reprehensible?

:twisted:
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Metal Lord
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Re: I Fucking Hate Coffee

Post by Metal Lord » Mon Aug 05, 2013 1:33 pm

Devil's Child wrote:Are Kahlua & Baileys just as reprehensible?

:twisted:
Kahlua most definitely, Bailey's I'm not sure about. Not sure because I don't think I have really encountered it in the wild.

Don't even get me started on coffee liqueures or other types of coffee flavor ruining nasties that can take something like tiramsu and render it inedible.

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